"If you take any activity, any art, any discipline, any skill, take it and push it as far as it will go, push it beyond where it has ever been before, push it to the wildest edge of edges, then you force it into the realm of MAGIC " ---Tom Robbins

Sunday 23 November 2014

Journal 01: The Fall


Photo credits from Zedge Wallpapers


What would I feel? Knowing this sad fact, I can’t even cry. The feeling I can’t even explain. It’s plain. Maybe the truth that unfolds has not sunk in my system yet. Delayed reaction? Yes, I presume. Maybe by the next 2 hrs or 4 hours it might drown my emotions. Guess I've been numbed. I was sedated by my own nerves so as not to feel the foreseen pain. This time again, I fall. Fell into the deep. This was the truth. The regrettable truth. The truth that arrive in a surprisingly unsurprisingly way. Here I am again facing the fall. The truth of the matter is I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what and how to react. Who to blame? There’s no one but I. 

On this journey, I was alone. I courageously took the change of route by myself. To prove I have something more to give myself. I have dreamed. A dream so big that hearten me to take chances and embrace changes. “When you want something, the entire universe conspires in helping you to achieve It”, they say so, and I so much believe in that. I so much anticipate that. The world will conspire but why did they left me? But I guess my fate doesn't favor me. I tried to reach it, I took the risk, and I waited and prayed a lot. I sacrifice everything for this, the time, effort, every ounce of little things I could offer… just for this? 

Now I’m starting to question, am I wrong? Am I bad? How come everything has fallen apart? How come this happen, when I only chase what I think is right and I thought to be a right path for me? But still I can’t cry. I feel the heaviness in my heart but it was stoned. My mind overwhelmed that it couldn't think. Guess my body is protecting me from the negativeness that the truth has spanked me. I could feel the sadness and the hurt slowly running my veins but couldn't tear my eye enough. Is this the bravely me still keeping the guts of courage? I’m done. Make or break, and I had just broken it.

Tomorrow, what about tomorrow? What will be in store for me after tomorrow? Will I ever see tomorrow? It hurts. It’s piercing me now, deepening every second.  What am I going to do tomorrow? I am a person who always has the next plan for every situation. However for this, how come I can’t produce one? I can’t move. I can feel my body weakening. Catatonic, I could describe. I am silently grieving, hideous. No one knows what I am currently undertaking. 

YOU know I am by myself; it’s only YOU I can trust. It’s only YOU who knows everything, but why did you abandon me? why you let me fall? I am sorry. I don’t mean to blame. It’s just that I can’t understand why this is happening. Why to ME? Why always ME? All I just want is a better life. I haven’t step on anyone. I apologize for me being a cut throat bitch, ambitious. If chasing a dream is a crime, then why in the first place you allowed me? Have I misread the signs? I hate myself. I hate me being stupid. I did all my best, my very best. All my life I fight for every challenge YOU gave me. I struggle long enough that I come this far. I worked for everything that I want; I never got everything so easily. Why can’t I be fitted to everything? I am a long lost soul who keeps fighting, trying to fit in. Am I destined for nothing?

I fell... on a free fall... into a vast of space far deep. Not knowing if there's a ground beneath. All I can see now is the dimness. All I can feel is loneliness and fear, fear of might not seeing the ground, fear of falling still in the air, floating. Will there be anyone or anything that would save me? That I don't know. All I need now are PRAYERS. Yes, maybe... will you?



©copyrighted by Jelyn Piad(Jhelchemy)2014 



Sunday 16 November 2014

My Mind Is Boggled


Photo credits to Yahoo Images: old.alkemica.net

My mind is boggled
Difficult to understand
It desires everything
Makes me hard to choose one

My mind is boggled
It contests with the heart
A cut-throat that controls over
Now, I can’t decide right

My mind is boggled
A pain in the ass
It thinks of worries
How can I make it stop?

My mind is a boggled
So hard to please
A maze of confusion
You had me totally bleed

My mind is boggled
It’s driving me mad
Half positive, half negative
Nah! They weigh alike

My mind is boggled
Ranting with words
More to scold, more to dictate
I’m completely plague

My mind is boggled
Critically, it’s overloaded
Any moment it may explode,
Might as well, I, drastically, explode too.


©copyrighted by Jelyn Piad(Jhelchemy)2014